


Close to Home

by FarFlungDreamer



Category: Black Widow (Comics), Captain America (Comics), Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: winterwidow - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:46:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23814838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FarFlungDreamer/pseuds/FarFlungDreamer
Summary: Some things hit a little too close to home, and some can be just close enough to help. BuckyNat. WinterWidow.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	Close to Home

James leaned in the doorway of the Avengers tower, surveying a party that was clearly inspired by Tony. Who was currently bringing in more liquor. It didn’t look like too many people needed it by now. He’d just dropped in with Steve, they’d been through a hell of a night. James didn’t feel like going back to his apartment alone. Luckily, over by Clint and Pepper, he spotted the woman he’d been looking for.

He walked around the crowd, stepping up behind Natasha. Not that it caught her off guard, of course. James couldn’t imagine that it would. It had been decades since he could. She leaned back and gave him a lazy smile, taking a champagne glass from someone passing them out, handing one to him too.

“I’ve still got to go un-equip,” He explained, he wasn’t here to drink or party. He was still housing half a militia inside his pockets and belt. He’d just left his heavy artillery with Steve. James only wanted to stop in and let her know he was around first. Before he could say anything else, Rhodey stood up in front of everyone as the din of the party quieted down around him. 

“A toast,” Rhodey smiled. “To Colonel Jake Maters, the second! Your father would be proud, damn proud.”

“Here, here!”

James’ face went slack, the cheers around him were drown out by the sound of two ringing gun shots close to his ears. The bright exterior died down and instead he was in a grizzled alleyway, perched on top of a fire escape.

_ He peered into the scope, watching as the target was eliminated.  _

_ ‘Eliminate Jake Maters, Colonel of the United States Air Force, he has sensitive information on the war and can’t be allowed to talk. No need to be discreet.’ _

_ The Soldier watched, as the target fell to the ground and lay there, chest rising shallowly. He paused, watching to make sure none approached until the target’s chest stopped rising. _

James breathed in sharply, the sounds of laughter and clinking starting to fade back into his senses. Someone turned to him, to clink their glass against his but he jerked it back quickly to his chest to prevent them. He blinked, seeing it was Pepper, frowning curiously at him.

  
He took a step back, setting the champagne down on the nearest table. He left the room as methodically as he could, keeping his eyes down so he didn’t have to look into the eyes of the son of a man he’d apparently killed.

“What’s his problem?” Rhodey asked as he watched Bucky dodge out of the room.

“Maybe he killed him  _ too _ ,” Tony snarked bitterly.

“Tony.” Pepper chided lowly to her fiance.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Tony,” Natasha sighed nonchalant from her spot on the couch. “Everyone knows that was an inside job.”

“Yeah,  _ thanks  _ Nat,” Rhodey snapped, glancing over to his co-worker to make sure he hadn’t heard.

“It  _ was  _ the Cold War.” Natasha shrugged to Rhodey.    
  


\--

James clenched his eyes and pushed away towards his quarters. God dammit. Just when he felt he was making progress, just when the ghosts stopped being so overwhelming… things like this happened. New ghosts, new crimes would get triggered and he’d realize how much worse it was. How could he balance the scales of all he’d done if he couldn’t even remember it all? He remembered so many, he always thought there couldn’t possibly be more.

He stepped into the stockroom and put back what wasn’t his (very little). He took everything else off and into his duffel. James decided he didn’t feel like saying goodbye to Steve. Steve would just recognize he was shaken and prod. So James slipped quickly out of the facility. It was still wet outside and it was making the memory feel more pronounced.

He skipped walking and took the subway instead. He had to close his eyes as the lights of the stations flashed, making his head pulse more and more. James just wanted to get home and try and forget about all this. He’d go and drown himself in the shower for a while, maybe it would take some of it away.

It didn’t matter… so long as he didn’t have to be near that man’s son. Toasting him to his success after he lost his father at James’ own hands. That one was just too convenient for him to handle, but honestly… maybe he’d just done that much harm.

\--

It took too long to put away all his equipment and get into the damn house. He had to feed Alphine before he could even get to his shower. Maybe it was too long in between, or maybe the memory was just too strong. The shower was making it worse. His metal hand wrapped around the knob and turned it hotter, hoping to turn out the memories. Apparently his mind wasn’t interested in quitting… and now in the silence, he was seeing it differently. 

He wasn’t watching through the scope anymore… now he was seeing it on a monitor set in front of his handler at the time. That handler he usually associated with sometime in the late 80’s or 90’s. This felt so much clearer, so it must be what actually happened. The man being shot, it wasn’t  _ by  _ him… instead he heard someone speaking from the monitor as well.

_ “Target eliminated.” _

_ “Well done, return to home camp for further instructions,” His handler spoke, releasing the button when he was finished. The Soldier stood, waiting by the desk for instructions. He wasn’t sure why he’d been called here but he had been made to wait. It must have to do with the asset on screen. After all, not so long ago he could foggily recall smuggling that man and two others into the United States. Yet his handler didn’t make any note to him or bring any of it up. _

_ Another entered from behind him, the Soldier could hear his steps echoing off to the right. _

_ “The sleeper agent succeeded,” His handler spoke to the newest arrival to the room. The man nodded and scratched at something on his notes. The Soldier kept focused, forward as he awaited for orders. “Kchetivolsk _ ,  **_make sure_ ** _ he ends up where he should. The Winter Soldier did enough work escorting them in. It would be…  _ uncomfortable  _ should they not find their final destination, understood?” _

_ The Soldier glanced at his handler’s face at his tone. It wasn’t his place to think it, but he couldn’t help to imagine that the sleeper agent wouldn’t make it very far if they did. Of course, they’d been trained to, and why would they break orders? _

_ “Yes sir,” The other operative confirmed before leaving through the door again. The Soldier picked up the man’s nerves and turned to follow him out of view. A moment later his handler finally addressed him with a new file. A new mission for him. After he’d been here to make the silent threat more pungent, he believed.  _

“To hell with it,” James grumbled to himself, shutting the knob off frustrated. It wasn’t going to leave him be tonight, apparently. His head wasn’t going to stop throbbing either. 

He grabbed a towel and wondered if it would change again. It felt done. Not that he could describe what that sensation was. James’ head hurt and he was tired of dealing with this sort of thing. He deserved it, he knew that… but it still bothered him. Was he supposed to feel better? As if it was better that he didn’t directly kill Maters, but snuck in his assassin instead? Into his own country? James certainly didn’t feel better about it.

He slid his pants on and stepped out of the bathroom. He only made it the few steps to the entrance of the kitchen and living room before his arm darted to the top of the fridge to slide the gun there off. James had the safety pulled off by the time his arm snapped out to take aim at the sound of light breathing across the dark room. Light breathing and… purring?

“Is that foreplay James?” Came a familiar tut. 

He relaxed, flicking a light on to see his cat curled up in his girlfriend’s lap. James gave her an exasperated look and tucked the gun away on top of the fridge again. Alphine glanced at James before curling his head back into Natasha’s hand. Traitor. Not that he blamed the cat.

“What are you doing here?” He asked, walking towards her. She didn’t think to shout she was here? It was Natasha, so of course she didn’t. It usually didn’t bother him, but he felt like he had live electricity running under his skin since earlier in the evening. She was making him jumpier than he needed to be.

“Hello to you too,” She said with a snap. “I can always go.”

“No, I-” He paused and then let out a large sigh. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it that way.”

She smiled quietly and shook her head, motioning him to come towards her. James felt exhausted after the adrenaline rush collided with the events of the night. He dropped heavily on the small couch next to her. He leaned his head on the back of the couch and rolled his neck over to look at her face.

“I just meant that you were at that party.”

“I bore easily,” She said casually, but he could see the questioning look set in her eyes. She was worried about him. Not that she worried like everyone else, or gave him those strange looks. Usually… she just didn’t want to leave him alone with the new shit. Natasha never pried, though. James managed a smile, it didn’t reassure her very much, of course.

“Because sitting in the dark with my cat is very interesting,” He said, summoning the energy to tease her. He reached out and scratched the cat with a metal finger behind its ear. Alphine gave James a grumpy look. Natasha gave him a victorious smile and rewarded the cat, scratching it behind its neck.

“He’s better company than you,” She said cheekily.

“Yeah, I know,” He said lightly, before sighing. Actually, it was probably pretty accurate tonight. He’d rushed out on her after showing up and without much explanation. He wasn’t winning any awards tonight. “I just had to get out of there,” He said, in way of an apology. 

He hadn’t meant to show up, just to make a scene in front of everyone. It happened more often than he’d like. Nat put up with him for some reason, though, and had the decency to just look over at him worried again. Was this really so much worse than usual? It felt it. Remembering something he had to live with was one thing, staring their children in the eye… but he’d done it before and it hadn’t eaten him up this badly. He couldn’t put a finger on what about it was really chilling him.

“Kchetivolsk,” Nat said, watching the pain pull at his face at the name. What did she know about it? She pushed past the dark look he gave her and slid her hand across his shoulder to run down his neck. Instead of looking at him though, her gaze moved out the window into the darkness over the city lights. “Set up sleeper agents in America in ‘89.”

James scowled, but despite himself his shoulders slumped under her hands. He sighed, she must be waiting for some sort of explanation if she knew who the soldier at the party was. Now that she realized he had a connection of some sort.

“I didn’t-”

“I know that.”

She did… well, alright then. Was she worried why he left so quickly? It was all in the past still.

“I escorted them into the States.” He explained, looking up to the ceiling now. “Not the worst thing I’ve done. I just didn’t want to…”

“Disrespect his memory?” Natalia guessed. He made a face but nodded slowly. “James,” She admonished. “Don’t you have enough to torture yourself over besides something  _ so  _ simple?”

He made a face. The cat made a disgruntled mew as he jumped off Natasha’s lap when she shifted towards James. Spoiled guy. James looked away from her again, trying to sort his muddled head. It wasn’t that. He wasn’t just trying to feel bad. It probably shouldn't bother him as much as it was. He’d done worse, by far.

The guy that was killed, the man at the party was… his son. Named after his father, he followed in his dead father’s footsteps to climb up the ranks. 89’ Natasha said? Well that would make the kid pretty young when it happened. It took James a moment of quiet thinking before it really cleared up why he was so bothered by it. 

That was it, it reminded James of him and his father. He hadn’t thought of Pops, probably since he actually remembered having one. This, though… the son taking on the role and all that… it hit home. He’d gone into the military because his father was dedicated to the life. After his mother passed, they were raised on a military base. It was sort of all he grew up knowing. To toast them… it felt disrespectful, and he just couldn’t. It was a matter of honor, not his, but those men’s.

“Rhodey’s clearly a career guy,” James supplied. “I was an  _ actual  _ soldier, once.”

  
“Oh yes,  _ way  _ back in 1919 when the dinosaurs still roamed the earth,” She hummed, sliding her hands off his shoulders and pushing him deeper into the couch so she could slip onto his lap.

He snorted, knowing she made the mistake on purpose. The second great war started in ‘39. She just wanted to pull one of those jokes. It did distract him, or, maybe that was her. James’ hands ran up her sides instinctively, steadying her over him. “I was  _ born  _ in 1917 ,  Умник .”

“Hmm,” She pressed a kiss to his lips and his mind slipped off of the topic until she pulled away and whispered. “I bet you were just  _ vicious  _ as a toddler.” 

She locked their lips even as he snorted, setting a hand on the side of her face. He couldn’t even summon a response to that one. The way her lips fell into a lopsided, sly smile he couldn’t remember why he’d been moody a moment ago. She was really pleased with that one, huh?

She tasted like the champagne still and he wondered if she was drunk, with all these jokes. Then again, maybe not. He deepened the kiss, but then she pulled away. She must have deemed that sufficient because she jumped up off his lap and slapped the side of his leg.

“Come on, Barnes,” She walked towards his bedroom door and leaned against it. “You’re not getting any younger,” She winked his way and he shook his head, trying to summon a scowl. He couldn’t, though. “We can’t wait until you’ll blow your back out.”

“How many old guy jokes you got saved up?” James laughed.

“Come find out,” She blew him a kiss and ducked into the doorway. James looked after her, shaking his head before an involuntary smirk tugged on his face. She was just ridiculous, but she was irresistibly so. Something about her just always made him relax, no matter how deep the scars ran. James moved up off the couch, not sure if he was  _ supposed  _ to deserve it, but not caring either. She was home… and Natasha had the incredible ability to make him feel that way even in his head’s darkest moments. How could he ever feel bad about that?


End file.
